Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Disjointed Much?

Yup.

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Yesterday, I watched a dad coerce a ten year old into shaking the unholy hell out of a nearly-full bottle of Mountain Dew that had been left momentarily unattended by another adult. "Stop, stop, stop!! Put it down, here he comes!!!" So, apparently, this dad is raising a douchebag.

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After work, I stopped by WM (sorry, figured I'd better Go0gle-proof that) on my way home to pick up some prescriptions and a teeny bit of Christmas stuff just 'cause I did not venture out into the Black Friday madness at all. I found a reasonably decent parking space and as I pulled in, I noticed a blue four-door Corvair parked in the row in front of mine. I've read a few articles, but I niether love or hate the Corvair, I could take it or leave it. Essentially, I love cars, and any car that old that's still on the road under it's own power deserves a second look.

As I was lookin' the Corvair over and thinkin' it looked pretty slick for it's age, I noticed a Saturn in the next aisle over behind it with the brake lights and back-up lights on. A lady walked by pushing a shopping cart, and there was a little girl following her a couple steps behind. I'm not good at guessing ages, but I'd say she was right around somewhere in between old enough to know better and big enough to know not to do that shit. She was head & shoulders taller than the decklid of the Saturn, and as she walked behind the car, she ducked down and stopped to hide right in the center. I watched the woman turn around and giggle a bit as the kid ducked down behind the car a second time.

I'm not anybody's mom, but if you think watching your kid duck down behind a car that has back-up lights on is funny in any way, you're raising a Darwin Award Winner.

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My Birthday landed on Thanksgiving this year, and unlike the last time I celebrated the two together, I was not essentially alone and I did not get called an "alcoholic." We had a truly fascinating time that included Clay being handed a card and told "Happy Birthday, Hun," 'cause ya know, he looks a lot like me with that beard and everything. Heh. Later, we got a big laugh out of a brand new question, "Is he a Mennonite?"

Anyhow, wherever he had to drive that damn horse & buggy to, he did a great job birthday shoppin' -- I've waited for that CD since Junior High, and the moment that album appeared on a CD, he grabbed it.

With this birthday also arrived my first time receiving yarn as a gift! It's white and very soft with just a teensy bit of shine to it, and it'll surely turn out somethin' warm & fuzzy.

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I got myself a nifty new purse via that popular auction site that rhymes with me-hay too. (sorry, more Go0gle-proofing there) Of course, if I said that out loud, I'd catch hell for it, so I told the folks it was also a gift from Clay -- which wasn't really a stretch since it matches the wristlet he got me a couple Christmases ago. I'm still gettin' used to it, but I really like it, I waited a long time to get my hands on a Dooney Tulip, I found a good deal, so I grabbed it. I guess that's a pattern with me... Make of it what you will.

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Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention... I put the second full tank of gas in the Excursion the Tuesday before Thanksgiving so I could do the math. Ten point seven miles a gallon, but at least I got to fill it up for a buck-fifty a gallon.

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I should also say hello to the friendly blonde-haired family, also in a silver SUV, who were waiting behind me at the pump that night. I salute you, even though you're probably not reading this, I appreciate your warm friendliness.

When I saw the other car pull up behind me to wait, I was standing just in front of the hose, leaning against the quarter with my hands in the pockets of my favorite jeans. The pump was somewhere near thirty gallons (yeah, *gasp,* but I'm glad I knew to expect it, the tank holds 44) and I figured it was close to stopping. Since I was on the opposite side of the hose, further away from the pump, I decided I'd step over the hose so I could be on the other side when it finished.

Dumb idea. Why the hell didn't I just wait for it to stop and then put it back in the pump? Why didn't I think of the fact that if I just grabbed it from where I was standing, there would be no need for stepping over once it was back on the hanger? Am I stupid or somethin'?

So, with my hands still in my pockets, I took a quick look at the numbers on the pump, which was still running, and I put my left foot over the hose. Hands still in pockets, I put my left foot on the ground on the other side of the hose successfully. Somewhere around that time, everything went to shit. My right foot wasn't wantin' to clear the hose, the hose wasn't about to dislodge from the truck, and the more I tried, the more it hung there, so I ended up down on all-fours, or at least three out of four.

Even though I had that "s-l-o-w-m-o-t-i-o-n" feeling, I still have no idea how I got my hands out of my pockets fast enough to put 'em out and keep from bustin' my face into the concrete. I also had no idea my self-imposed reflex of guarding my left knee was powerful enough to turn me around and make the right knee, the one that had been above knee-high off the ground and tangled in the hose, hit the ground first, but apparently it did. The first thing I could see was my hands and my hair touching that nasty concrete and all I could think of was the people watching from the other car. I got up fast and I knew I'd better take control of the situation and diffuse the awkwardness myself 'cause I really did not want to deal with who-knows-how-many strangers leanin' over me askin' if I was alright.

Back on my feet, shake my hair back, little wave, big smile, "That was graceful, wasn't it?"

"Huh?" the blonde-haired guy in the silver SUV asks, "Oh, I thought you had somethin' wrong with your truck..."

They didn't see a thing. They thought I was lookin' under the back of the Excursion. All they saw was me gettin' up, so if I'd done that "cat method" and let on like "I meant to do that!" nobody would've suspected a thing... Until the security camera video turned up on some website...

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I guess it has been a while since I posted... We went to see "Zack & Miri Make a Porno" (finally), and I thought it was a great film... I laughed and I cried -- yeah, there's naked people and porno-movie-making in it, but the love story, oh my my, I never saw anything hot about Seth Rogen until he put his hand up into the back of Elizabeth Banks' hair. I was so stunned I cried, and I loved it.

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As if I haven't mentioned these before, I just answered a phone for a caller who asked for a '96 Dodge Fuel Pump, and when I told him we handle Ford parts, there was a long pause, then he said "Oh, well how'bout a transmission for a '91 Honda Accord?"

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Maybe I really could write a book someday...

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More later. _\,,/

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