Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Oh Dear.

A few quick postcards:

Dear Neighbors: Today was the third morning in a row that your horse was out wandering in the ditch and back and forth across 92nd Street. Seriously? Three days? Don't you feed 'em once a day or something? Did you not notice he's been on the wrong side of the fence since Monday? Will your homeowner's insurance cover my car if he ends up on the hood?

Dear Local Politician: I need to let you know that I refuse to vote for you because of your TV commercial, and I scramble for the "mute" button every time it comes on. When your little girl tells us how you've "pwotected pwesidents fwum bad guys," I want to punch you in the neck. If you don't care enough about your own child to take her to a Speech Therapist (translated: Thewapist), there's no way I'd trust you to care enough to make the decisions involved in government.

Dear Post Office Employee: Thanks so much for protecting the security of my mail by refusing to hand over the contents of my PO box that time when I couldn't find my keys. I appreciate the fact that you hold everyone to such high standards that even long-time customers with photo ID can't get their mail without the key. Now, I have questions about you fishing out some "package" for that guy who "had his stuff shipped to my address" even though he's in no way related to me or associated with my business and has never had a key to either one of my mailboxes to begin with.

Dear Limo: Please steal the heart of a cash buyer very soon, 'cause I found a truck that caught my eye. Don't take it personal, it's just that I don't think you can handle the trailer like the truck would.

Dear QuikTrip: Please come to Sperry Oklahoma, please? I've been crazy about you, QT, ever since way back when ten bucks would fill up the Honda Accord's gas tank and get a quart of Lime Koolie and a Butterfinger with some change left, and Sperry Oklahoma needs you in such a serious way. Sperry is a quiet little out of the way place, but it's full of good, kind-hearted people who could really use a nice place to buy gas for their cars; and I personally would love to be able to grab a good glass of iced tea and a corndog every once in a while too.

Dear Telemarketers: I can talk faster and louder than you can, if you'd like to turn it into a "Talking Carl Fight," we can, and there's nobody here to get mad at me for pissing you off 'til you hang up. Thanks for the laughs...

Dear Internet Search Engines: When I'm looking for images of motorcycles, I do not need to see kitchen appliances. When I put in a town and search for a list of Churches, I want to see phone numbers and/or addresses for churches, as in places where groups of people worship, designated as plural by the "es" on the end. When I search for Churches, I want to read about this church or that church, not "restaurant reviews" involving "Church's Chicken." Apostrophe-s is totally different from e-s.

Dear Pimple-In-A-Really-Scary-Place: Boy am I ever glad you're gone, please don't come back, okay?

Dear Hard Drive: Though I'm glad you were so easy to remove from the MacBook and place in that USB Enclosure, I really wish you'd spin up one last time and stay on at least long enough to pull my Mojo Nixon albums and a few other things out of my old iTunes folder...

Dear Snow Leopard: I think I love you, I wish I hadn't waited so long to make the switch!




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