Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Double-Shot: Et-Pay Eeve-Pay Ant-Ray & Aave-Ray.

Alternate Title: "Why I Don't Keep A Gun In My Car, Revisited."

Last night on my way home in the little white ragtop, I watched in the mirror as a blue Caprice came up in the passing lane. Traffic was pretty minimal and I was doing a reasonable 60 or 65 in the right-hand lane. As the Caprice came by, it got closer and closer, and by the time the cars were even & side-by-side, it was really, really close. Closer than I'd ever want to park beside another car, I wouldn't even think about getting that close at highway speed.

I honked the horn, but honestly, if I was makin' bets, I'd put my money on "not a clue." A '91 Capri doesn't have a whole lot of horn to begin with, and a "distracted driver" isn't likely to hear anything outside their own car anyway.

I followed the Caprice and watched it weave all over the place, a foot or two over either line of any given lane; and believe me, I would have called 9-1-1 if I thought I could have used the phone -- but I had the top down, and there's almost no chance of hearing or being heard in that much wind; and there's no way to put the top up while still moving. I stayed with it all the way from US75 & 41st Street (where he almost ran me over) all the way around the "loop" to where he got off US75 at the Peoria Avenue exit.

I'll admit, there was a little part of me that said "Oh, North Peoria, how'd I know?"

Are there no more Driver's Ed classes going on out there? Why do people think it's okay to go ahead and back the car out of the driveway when they know they haven't maintained it to any state of trustworthiness? Why do people think it's okay to go ahead and get on the highway even if they don't have the skills to do the driving? Why is there never a cop around except that one jerk in the unmarked car that I see on the highway every Wednesday night now?

If you're doing seventy miles an hour in any car (but especially one with three big-ass gold "rimz" and one tempa-spare that bounces like it hasn't seen new shocks since the Carter administration), you should be holding the wheel and watching the road and the traffic. You should not be typing a text message, or "rollin' a blunt," or eating a sandwich. At highway speed, you should be driving, not checking your pager, not drinkin' a tallboy, not tryin' to get the last bit of BBQ sauce onto your chicken, not packin' your crack pipe.

Yeah, I flipped you the bird, big-feckin'-deal -- the next person you nearly sideswipe may have a gun to blow your ass away; or a bigger car to run your ass off the road with.

While I'm ranting...

"Why I Don't Have A Nerf Crotchbat In My Desk At Work."

Seriously, if I'm talking to someone; telling me to "Hush" so you can say something is really the same as interrupting, only worse. Interrupting is an underhanded way of saying "Well, what you're saying isn't important..." Telling someone to "Hush" is essentially an out-and-out-loud way to say "What you're saying isn't as important as me, so shut up!" What kind of example does that set for the HoMeSkOoLeD kids??? Come-the-feck-on, just let me finish the sentence and then you can find a way to fit what you want to say into the conversation if it fits at all, but I know you don't care if it's on-topic or not, 'cause what you want to say is way more important than anything we were just talking about before you walked up!

The Only logical reason I can think of to walk up and interrupt a calm, ordinary conversation between two other people is to say something very, very urgent like "FIRE!" "TORNADO!" or "CALL 9-1-1!"

I've said it before, I'll say it again -- the spoken word (along with the "rules and patterns" of the English Language) is what separates us from animals. If nobody pays attention and everybody just talks louder and louder to try to be heard over everybody else, then what's the difference between us and all those animals grunting and hooting and screeching in the trees?


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