Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Snow Alert.

Aaaah, Grocery Shoppah...

Oh shit, it's gonna snow, you better go to the store and get some groceries!!

Now, keep in mind, my trip to the grocery store didn't start out pissy or irritable -- I've got tortilla soup waiting at home, all I need is a bag of tortilla chips to go with it, and I've got cash in my pocket to pay for 'em. I don't have any real reason to be worried about the weather that's comin' in, and I don't see any real reason why it would take me very long at all to dash in, pick out some chips, pay for 'em, and take my happy ass on home.

That being said...

Dear Angry Woman in the minivan with one headlight: I cannot move every car in this parking lot to accommodate your every whim, and I will not apologize for that. Why? Because it would be much easier to move your one single minivan and at least point it the right direction as opposed to moving all the other cars just because you're not smart enough to know you're going the wrong way down an aisle of parked cars. The engineers who planned the pattern of the parking lot did it that way for a reason, and if you'll just take a look, you'll see that the yellow lines are all angled in the same direction so that cars pulling in from this direction don't have to turn as sharp. When the cars are pointing at you and you see taillights, you're going the right way -- when the cars are pointing away from you and you see fenders and wheels, you're going the wrong way. When that big yellow arrow on the ground is pointing AT you and the headlights of other cars headed straight for the front of your minivan, you're going the wrong way. It's not because I'm a horrible bitch who won't get out of your way; it's because I'm going with the intended flow of traffic in a space that's really only wide enough for one vehicle, and no, I'm not going to back up for you because there are only six or eight other cars behind me who probably won't back up either. Pay a little attention, put down the phone and take a look around at what's going on outside the minivan so maybe you won't end up turning down the wrong aisle next time.

Dear Grown Man Old Enough To Know Better: I do appreciate your forethought in stopping and standing still to quietly talk on your phone instead of meandering about and bouncing your shopping basket into things, please, please think about what you're doing. I'll never forget the loveliness of sitting on the porch at my Grandma's house; spring, summer, fall, we always had a nice time sittin' in the wrought iron chairs around the glass-topped table, or swaying softly in the parch swing... There was always a wind chime or two pleasantly tinkling gently from the corner of the roof. One or two wind chimes in a gentle breeze on a porch is nice; the noise coming from the forty wind chimes on that display that you're shaking with your elbow in the middle of a tile-floored grocery store is nerve-jangling. Seriously. How are you even talking on the phone with all that ringing a foot away? QUIT IT.

Dear Parent Of Elementary School Boy And Girl: Where the hell are you? Seriously, where the hell are you? Apparently you haven't you noticed that your daughter is sitting cross-legged in a shopping cart while your son pushes it as fast as he can and then jumps onto the handle and throws his weight to the side to spin it around and around, screaming gleefully as elderly people and other adults step out of the way so that he can travel the width of the store, all the way from produce, down past the check-out stands to the bakery. Where the hell are you and why don't you get your kids under control? This is a grocery store, not an episode of "Jackass." Oh, wait, there you are, telling the manager and the security guard to "leave them babies alone."

Dear Guy In Line In Front Of Me: If you did not want the two extra-large cans of cling peaches in heavy syrup, why did you bother carrying them all the way up to the checkout stand? I saw you headed toward the checkout lines, I got behind you because I saw that you were moving fast and only had an armload instead of a whole shopping cart load. The two big cans of peaches were quite a challenge to hold onto along with your ground beef, chicken legs, spaghetti sauce, and Kool-Aid; if you were going to hand 'em to the cashier and say you didn't want them, why bother carrying them around like that?? Also, I see you're rockin' the Buckcherry hooded sweatshirt and AC-DC pajama pants; while both of those bands kick some ass, is it really wise to be leaving the house in pajama pants? In the snow?? Really?

Dear Woman In Line Behind Me Who Looks To Be At Least My Age: Do you realize just how LOUD you are talking? Please consider that the person on the other end of the line is not the only person who can hear what you are saying. I couldn't help but overhear; I was three feet away and you were making sure everyone could hear... Who is it that made you so mad? Mom? Grandma? Auntie? Sister? Seriously, if they're letting you live with them, it's not too much to ask that you do some dishes every once in a while, and it's not so horrible that they asked you to stop by May's Drug on the way home and pick up some 409 and some lotion. It's not that bad, really. You're right here in the grocery store, just grab some 409 and some lotion while you're here. Quit telling everybody what a bitch she is, geez, she's letting you stay at her house,so... Oh, what's that? She told you to leave? Well then, I guess we know why!

Dear Crazy Androgynous Person In The Rough Ol' Buick: If that car isn't safe for the road, leave it at home. If your brakes aren't working like they should and you have a hard time getting that car to STOP, you shouldn't be driving that car anywhere, especially not right in front of the door where people are walking in and out of the front of a grocery store. There are people walking, STOP, okay? It's starting to snow, it's cold, it's damp, it's icy; those people who are walking are outside in that and you are warm and dry inside the Buick, STOP and give 'em a minute, okay?


The Tortilla Soup was pretty good.

Next time, I'll stop by the Dollar General for Chips, it's a lot smaller and easier to deal with.


More later... _\,,/

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