Two of my latest FB status posts:
"Debbie is still thinking about that line about the way to to eat an elephant is one bite at a time; but since I refuse to eat it, I'm chopping it up into fist-sized chunks for easy disposal…"
"Debbie has lost track of just how many "fist-size, easily manageable pieces" there are, but is going to keep cutting up that elephant..."
I guess I've been telling myself that the elephant analogy is the easiest way to look at getting through this enormously scary change that's been a long time coming but has still shaken me a good bit. Little bits at a time, little bits, little bits… Stress, what stress? The stress that I thought I was holding at bay sneaks in on me sometimes, like when I walked into the middle of a stack of boxes in a storage unit and something smelled just like My Grandma, which led to me getting weepy and having to put my sunglasses back on so I wouldn't have to explain why. She died in 2005, just a couple weeks shy of getting to meet Clay; but I'm sure she would have liked him even though he asked "So your Grandma smelled like a bunch of boxes in a storage unit?" Ehm, no. It's a soft, velvety, lotiony-perfumey sort of smell that probably came from a box of her stuff that hadn't been gone through yet; but that's a whole 'nother blog post.
I have considered, but not posted, one more vague status update: "Debbie admires those who face change without fear."
I have told myself that it's just a little change in one area of my life, and when I sat down to write this, I think I put things a little more in-perspective…
This feels like a loss of sorts, but nobody's dead. I'm packing up some boxes and moving some stuff around, but I'm not facing homelessness. My Family will be doing different things or doing things differently, but nobody's moving a million miles away. My finances may cause a challenge, but I have better credit and savings and better management skills than the last time I faced a major change -- and I also have couple spare cars to sell off if things get too desperate. I'm a little scared, but not as scared as when My Mom told me she had cancer; so hopefully, once this is all over and things have settled down again, the Hallelujah will be just as glorious as when My Mom got the all-clear from her oncologist.
I'm getting rid of a lot of stuff that I might have held onto way too long, but it's still my decision what stays and what goes -- live Christmas Tree Stand, sayonara buddy, don't know where you came from, but have fun at the thrift store 'cause I've never had a chopped-down-Christmas-tree in my life and I don't see myself dealing with one in the future.
I'm looking at a major change in my life, but it's only in one area of my life. I still have my family, and My Mom, who promises "we'll figure something out," which is enough for me. I still have my amazing friends who always know how to recharge my batteries, remind me that I'm not alone, remind me that I'm not the only one who sees things the way I do, remind me what "Bold And Fearless" means, and never let me forget that we are all connected, all the time. I still have Clay, who knows exactly how to make me forget everything and laugh until I wheeze and cry and get hot and have to take off my coat; then just when I get straightened out, laugh some more 'til everybody thinks we're both about half crazy.
I'm not sure exactly how this is going to happen, but I'm sure everything is going to be just fine. I'm going to keep doing what I need to get done instead of sitting around (probably eating) and wondering what the hell I'm going to do. I'm going to keep chopping this elephant into small, easily manageable pieces, and taking showers to wash the crumbs off of me, and just keep after it until it's all done.
More later… _\,,/
Labels: Just Writing