Wednesday, December 05, 2007

The Childfree Couple Goes To The Big Toy Store

Me and my Hotwhee1 problem... Sorry 'bout the "1" there, I just figured I'd better Go0gle-proof that. Anyway, me and my addiction, along with Clay, went to the big toy store last night. I'm also Go0gle-proofing that one, but I'm sure y'all know which one I'm talkin' about -- the "R" is backwards. I know, I know, the proper English version is "My addiction and I," but nobody ever says it like that, so there.

I have to go back soon because there were 2008's on the pegs, but they were picked pretty thin -- so there must be a shipment coming any day now.

Once I'd satisfied my tiny-car obsession, I wandered over toward the doll department just to see what I could see.

Have y'all seen that "Butterscotch" Pony? It's made by the same people who made the purrin' kittens and those life-like baby lambs that just melt my heart. They also make that parrot that would be so cute if it would just skip that damn song. The little horse is just as cute as it can be, and it responds to touch in a fairly realistic manner; it whinnies, it wags it's tail, it turns it's head. The one at this store must've been under constant covert watch with a security guard lurking in the nearby baby car seat aisle so that he'd be able to snatch up the little bastards we'd seen punching the pony at T@rget -- this one was still in complete working order, which is amazing considering that it was totally accessible sitting right down on floor-level.

The little girl pictured in the advertising photos is sitting on the pony's back, her outstretched legs don't touch the carpet, but she's leaned down with her arms around the pony's neck -- the smile on her face says it all, every little girl's dream, "I want a PONY!" She's sittin' on the pony, without a doubt, but the ad makes no mention of the pony's ability to actually carry a rider at all.

That's why THIS little pony caught my eye:

There it is, the "Tango Interactive Ride-On Horse." Yes, it sells itself as a Horse, not a Pony. Yes, there's garbage in the display, isn't that nice? I'd guess it came from the same quality of people who thought it was okay to let their kids punch the pony -- they'd be pretty likely to think it's okay to eat candy in a store and then pitch the wrapper in a toy display, wouldn't they? I should stop right there; I didn't start this post to bitch about scumbags, I'm here to write about a horse!

The Tango Interactive Ride-On Horse was all alone on an endcap display, sittin' up off the floor at about elbow level. He's kinda cute, but has a more stuffed-animal-ish look to him -- not quite as life-like as the Butterscotch Pony, but more horse-proportioned in a smaller size, and it even has a cute little cowboy-style saddle with stirrups hangin' down. When it comes to toys, I'm touchy-feely, I can't help it -- so I rubbed-petted-felt of it a little bit, and since they were within easy reach on an elbow-level display, I could not resist checkin' to see what the legs felt like. It's a big-dog-sized horse, for all sake, my inner child had to know. Much like the only chick in a dress at the Speedway's Awards Banquet, my inner child is almost always desperately torn between the girl world and the tomboy world -- she's drivin' the go-kart with a Barbie under her arm, she's ridin' the dirtbike to her friend's house with a Cabbage Patch Kid in her backpack; but alas, as a chunky little thing, she's always been told to stay away from the stuff that could break if a fat kid were to climb on it... Would the spindly little legs on either pony be tough enough to stand up to bein' sat on by a kid?

I was stunned to find something that felt a little like mechanical parts under the fur; which I felt right about the same time my eyes landed on the red "Try Me! Press Here!" circle stitched on his right hip -- so I pressed... The clip-clopping was so very cute, I just had to press the circle on his forehead too, and that was right about the time I saw the sign.

Look at that!! Hand Crafted, okay... Durable, we hope... Eighteen inch seat height, yeah... THREE HUNDRED POUND CAPACITY!!! Do ya believe it? Fat kids the world 'round will rejoice this Christmas!!! Three Hundred Pounds! Seriously, that means a couple fairly thin adults could hop on this horsey together and go for a ride. Three hundred pounds is five or six healthy-sturdy-husky first or second graders; or a couple fairly curvy junior-high girls, or a senior-year star Defensive Lineman.

I'm stunned! I'm fascinated! It's cute and cuddly and every bit as cool as the shiny red P0wer-Wheels Mustang Convertible!

I'm thirty-one, I have a Kawasaki ATV that I can play with in the backyard, but seriously, if they made that furry robotic pony a little closer to horse-size, I'd damn sure buy one and ride it into town!!!

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